Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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