I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
