It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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