you will always have a special place in my vag
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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