I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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