dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
