Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
