put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
