How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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