I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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