If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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