Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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