i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize