you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
