Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
