I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
