i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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