Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
