Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
