That's intense
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
