I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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