I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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