There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
