I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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