it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
