Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
