we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Sober January is a disaster.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
