took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
