He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
