We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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