This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
