You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It was a blind-side dick pic.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
