Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
