I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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