I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
