Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
