A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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