My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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