I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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