Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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