please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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