remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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