You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
