Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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