The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
