he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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