I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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