do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize