I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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