I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
