I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
