he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
