I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
