Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
