If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
