i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
