My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
