Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
