Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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