My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
