He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
