all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
